The Journey and His Grace

This is a long read, but I felt led to share.

        This morning I woke up and laid in bed for a while, just spending some time thinking. I often think back to the first time I used drugs or first time I hid the fact that I was popping pills or drinking a bottle alone as fast as I could. I had no idea the darkness, trauma, and pain that would come at the hands of what I thought was normal. 

        I know somebody doesn’t think my story is possible, but it truly is! After accepting a dream job as a caddie at a golf club in Florida, I have found myself just thinking about how far I have come, and I want to lay it out for you to see.

         Growing up, I never viewed myself as an addict and it wasn’t until my back injury that it decided to show its face. After multiple failed surgeries, I was on a large quantity of Percocet, Vicodin, and OxyContin. I was in so much pain, I would always take more than prescribed, snowballing all of this into a nightmare. Doctors took away my medication, but with the help of the Mary Free Bed Rehabilitation Hospital in Grand Rapids, MI, they helped me become not afraid of my pain and showed me that I was capable of overcoming this. They were some of the hardest nights of my life, but also the best preparation for the war that was coming later. 

        It wasn’t long after I stopped popping pills, that I was in California, chasing my dreams again, where the issues stayed hidden. It wasn’t until the death of a few people close to me, and the true failure of what I wanted my baseball career to look like, when those issues exposed themselves. I started messing with Adderall and the fake happiness it brought me. Every moment of every day, I chased that high, because I was a failure in my own eyes already. This pill gave me a sense of pleasure and feeling. 

        I denied it all, but my soul was dwindling. That addiction rode with me when I attended Hope College, attempting to become a psychologist with the goal of helping addicts. Meanwhile, I can hardly help myself to stay alive. I was so good at lying, as I started skipping classes and snorting 200mg of Adderall at a time.

        My life was spiraling out of control. I attempted to take my life multiple times using pain meds and I truly believe Adderall should have been the one that killed me. That’s about the time that a now ex-girlfriend entered the picture and woke me up. I wanted to get sober solely for her. At the time, I didn't realize that I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. 

        I hated the man I saw in the mirror. All I saw was every trauma-filled memory and mistake I made to that point, and I decided to give all of me to her. I lied about my age, my life, everything, because I thought I was such a joker that nobody could truly love me. My lies led all the way to me, at the jewelry store, buying a ring for her. 

        Before I could propose to her, she left. My entire fake world was shattered and after two years, the levy on the dam broke. All of that trauma came flying back through a hurricane-level wave because I never took care of it. I felt betrayed, I checked myself into a rehab facility for safety because I was suicidal. 

        Meanwhile, my drinking secretly started to get out of control and quickly it became an engulfing, fiery blaze. I drowned my failed dreams, failed relationships, my trauma, my worth, and just about everything else. At my worst, I was drinking over a gallon of Tito’s vodka every day. 

        I fled to Florida in order to escape, self-assured of the idea that my problems wouldn’t find me. I had a dream of becoming a big-time caddie, but doubted that it was possible. I was drunk 24/7 and never taken seriously by the people around me. I cried every night. Every damn night I cried alone in my bed, wanting better for myself, but never doing anything about it.

        With all of that happening, God broke down my door. I remember the last night before I went off to rehab so vividly. I was hammered drunk crying at the bar telling the bartenders who knew me that “this has to be the last drink I ever have." Stumbling to my car, I bawled my eyes out at the failure of a man I was and the burden I was to others around me. I begged to go to rehab and get help. It took four days of rolling around in pain on one of their basic beds, sweating, convulsing, and hallucinating for me to say that I’m leaving and I’m never going back to this life. The facility didn’t think I was being smart but I called them at a year sober and I'm currently rounding the bases to call them for year two.  

So let’s recap: I battled pain-killer addiction for four years, Adderall for four more, and booze for about 3 years. I still hadn’t worked on anything soul-related or how I view myself. 

        After I left rehab, the real work began. My friends and family became a support system like none other in my mental health, talking about very uncomfortable things that happened in active addiction. Each day I grew stronger mentally and physically. I realized I couldn't take back all my mistakes (even though I wanted to), but I could live a way that glorifies God. I accepted Jesus into my heart and everything started going so different, so fast. 

        When I was three months sober, I returned to Florida excited to be back. On the first night, I walked into my old bar and ordered a double Tito’s lemonade and I stared at it for three hours, as the ice melted and the condensation created a puddle underneath. I then stood up, and left the drink behind, never looking back. 

That was the biggest moment of my entire life.

        I've spent the last year focusing a lot on myself: more healing, working on myself in the gym, and on the golf course, sharpening my craft. Eventually, I've become the man I've dreamed of being for so many years. I've begun healing and my life is taking off in a positive direction. Then everything came together in an absolute insane way. After being pushed out of a job because of petty jealousy, I was really upset. I came upon the realization that what the devil meant to take me down only made me stronger and hungrier for success. Soon after, I landed my dream job at an amazing golf course, doing what I love: caddying. 

        I could probably type about 80,000 more words for the journey my life has been the last 12 years, but I think I touched on most of them. I truly believe I’ll always look back and feel pain for the what-ifs and the mistakes in active addiction, but now I have a God who says "I even loved that version of you." 

        None of this feels real to me yet: the dream job, the sobriety, the hunger for life and success, the hunger to make people feel loved, and to make up for lost time with my family. I was gifted a second, third, fourth, fifth chance and more. I'm the lucky one. So many people haven't had the chances I have and I’m sorry. My hope is that this letter finds you and awakens something inside you to want more for your life, to look in that mirror and learn to love what you see despite everything happening in your life. Substances will pretend to make you feel alive, then slowly kill you. 

        I’ll end by simply saying I’m thankful for my family and friends. I have been so blessed to have a support team who never gave up, and it brings tears to my eyes to prove them right: that I was worth saving. I never really believed in God. I knew something was out there, but I began to hate Christians. God had different plans, saw me, and woke me up in a way I’ll never be able to explain. He is real folks, and wants the very best for your life.

        I'm absolutely willing to talk in even more detail for anyone who wants to listen about the last 10 years of my life. I know God's telling me this pain is a weapon for the kingdom to bring others to God, and that’s just what I’m going to do. I am an open book, if you ever need someone to talk to, cry to, (the list is endless), I will be right here. 

Jesus left the 99 to find the 1 (me) and I’ll be damned if I won’t reach out for the people in need. 

God is Good, All the Time,

Bryce Baker.